FABIAN CANCELLARA
Hurr durr. We have no imagination.
MARK CAVENDISH
That hilarious dickhead, slagging off Andre Greipel for being a more complete rider and winning about ten more races than the Manxman so far this year.
TOM BOONEN
Really, what the fuck was that in Paris-Roubaix?
MARK CAVENDISH
That hilarious dickhead, slagging off Andre Greipel for being a more complete rider and winning about ten more races than the Manxman so far this year.
FOOTBALL FOR CYCLISTS
There is football happening this year! More football than happened last year, because it's a World Cup. Last time around we spent the entire tournament asking people "Who IS Wayne Rodney?", but we're bored of that joke and this year we've vowed to make an effort to understand what is going on. Follow us on our journey every month.
ENGLAND'S CHANCES
Apparently Bradley Wiggins is the perfect analogy for England at the World Cup. In that "we all want him to win, but he'll almost certainly get school by Contador". Alberto Contador is Spanish, so Spain is our pick for the tournament. Followed by... uh. Luxembourg?
DOPING
Doping isn't rife in football. In fact, nobody does it! Remember the last international tournament when that one team would always come out in the second half charged up, running fast and full of energy? As if they were on speed? And that other team who had some wacky anaerobic ability that meant they didn't seem to tire no matter who they were up against? Remember when they ended up playing each other in the closing stages, certain people in the know referred to it as a battle between amphetamines and EPO? Those people were CYNICAL, because unlike cycling there's no drug use in football. Got it? GOT IT?
SOUTH AFRICA
We know we did it last month, but if you're still uncertain what South Africa is, it's the place current UCI head Pat McQuaid broke anti-apartheid rules to go and race in. Coincidentally, many of football's senior officials are also rotten through.
Do you know anything at all about football? We don't. Help us with this feature and we'll reproduce it without crediting you.
MASSIVE PROMOTIONAL PHOTOGRAPH OF A CAKE OF THE MONTH
POSITIVE SPIN: MAKING THE MOST OF THE TRACK WORLDS
GUEST FEATURE BECAUSE WE GAVE UP ON TRACK AGES AGO
What British Cycling say: The other countries were absolutely flat stick here. What they mean:I really fucking hope they were. Lets not forget that our budget is bigger than several of our competitors put together – what France spend wouldn’t keep us in carbon handlebars and they came away with one less gold than we did. And hopefully Cameron Mayer will be a full time roadie by Apeldoorn next year.
What British Cycling say: We’re in the middle of a four year performance cycle. What they mean:Forget that the world championships is live on prime time TV for four consecutive nights, and that the great British public much prefers to see Brits winning than Brits getting beaten by New Zealand. But hey, part of that budget goes on spin.
What British Cycling say: Our goal is success at the Olympics. What they mean:Our budget is entirely dependant on Olympic success, so the World Champs aren’t really worth turning up for. Or at best a glorified training camp. Anyway, if it all goes tits up we’ve got till at least September 2012 to ride on the back of this excuse.
What British Cycling say: We’re not concentrating on the individual pursuit because it’s no longer an Olympic event. What they mean:Ok, ignoring that, if it hadn’t been for Vicky Pendleton jumping up and down and stamping her feet there’d probably still be an Olympic individual pursuit but seriously, who’s gonna do it? Brad Wiggins is busy riding up mountains and there isn’t another British rider that has a prayer in the event and we aint gonna magic one up in the next two years are we?
What British Cycling say: We’re on course for where we need to be at the moment. What they mean:Hey, Sherlock, didn’t you notice the road team? Track is just so 2008. And our great and very fickle and not hugely bright British public aren’t going to go off us as soon as we start failing to win the Tour. I mean they don’t get that it’s a bit harder than a team sprint and that half the team are actually Norwegian.
Still, hey.
WHAT AREN'T YOU WATCHING ON CYCLING.TV THIS MONTH?
TOUR OF FLANDERS
We've said it before and we'll say it again: a "tour" is only a step away from being a "cruise". And a "cruise" is only a side-step away from being "cottaging". Who wants to watch Tom & Fabian Go Cottaging in Flanders? Nobody, that's who.
AMSTEL GOLD RACE
A race named after a beer, that's more like it! But a race named after piss-average Amstel Gold beer? Come on, forget about it. It's not like you're missing the Duvel and Frites Championship or anything.
TOUR OF BASQUE COUNTRY
Nobody gives a shit about this thing. We heard that one year some dude just rode round with his hands over his face in case any old school friends recognised him and realised what a mess his life had become. Afterwards he was halfway to his holiday in some place that isn't full of rain and terrorists before he even noticed he was wearing the leader's jersey. Guy had to fly back to the Pais Vasco and spray champagne everywhere, only it wasn't even champagne it was dog piss in a leaky hot water bottle.
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING ON CYCLING.TV THIS MONTH?
ACTUALLY, A WHOLE FUCKING LOT
Didn't expect that to happen when we thought of this feature. Dang. Next month we'll do a You're Not Watching The Giro On Cycling TV special to make it up to you.
SCRIPT EXTRACT:
SPARTACUS 2: THE SPARTACKANNING
Ext. Some shitty old quarry or something. Look, just picture that one scene, the only one anybody has seen from the damn movie.
FABIAN CANCELLARA
Let's ride our bikes over these rocks or whatever. Are we slaves? It's clear whoever's writing this dialogue doesn't actually know what happened in Spartacus.
Cancellara AKA SPARTACUS rides his bike with the other cyclists/slaves for some reason.
TOM BOONEN
I am Spartacus. Forget about that one time I shat myself here!
Boonen rides around a bit telling everybody how he's Spartacus and shit and like stomping down his authority and that on the haters who think they're Spartacus or whoever.
FABIAN CANCELLARA
No I am Spartacus. I will ride away now and so on.
Cancellara wins the race. Everybody laments the fact that this sequel is much less funny than the original, which wasn't even a comedy. The producers should've hired Zoom Gordo to write the script.
NEW LOW: POSSIBLE INNUENDO OF THE MONTH
GUEST FEATURE
The Women's World Championship Points Race was packed with double entendres. It had double entendres rammed into its every orifice. It was literally spitroasted by double entendres. Double entendres squirted from it like seme- (that'll do, ed.)
First we had "Tchalyka's going to come over her." Oh my.
"There's Gonzalez getting up inside Armitstead." Like penetration.
"Two girls have just gone down in the first turn, that could be messy." Going down is slang for perfoming oral sex.
And finally, our contributor highlighted his all time fave Duffersism from the archives: "A little flick from the Ukrainian rider. If she doesn't watch out she could
flick herself off."
A SPECIAL GIFT FOR THE FAMOUS/TERRIFYING DUFF FAWCETTT
A naked Sean Kelly!
Should probably put a little NSFW warning down there at the bottom of the page.
SKIBBY THE BUSH KANGAROO
GUEST THING
"well i think its funny." SO DO WE. The font also makes us want to jizz absolutely everywhere.
The Women's World Championship Points Race was packed with double entendres. It had double entendres rammed into its every orifice. It was literally spitroasted by double entendres. Double entendres squirted from it like seme- (that'll do, ed.)
